I Thought I Understood It....

"I thought I understood it, that I could grasp it, but I didn't, not really. Only the smudgeness of it; the pink-slippered, all-containered, semi-precious eagerness of it. I didn't realize it would sometimes be more than whole, that the wholeness was a rather luxurious idea. Because it's the halves that halve you in half. I didn't know, don't know, about the in-between bits; the gory bits of you, and the gory bits of me."

-Like Crazy

This is by far one of my favorite quotes when it comes to talking about love. At first you think that you can grasp what exactly love is and that it is an ideal idea and it's all stars and butterflies. But in reality, once you fall in love with the right person, you realize it is much more complex than you could ever imagine. You learn deep dark bits about yourself, and about the person you find love with. Love isn't perfect, and neither are the two players. You learn from trial and error how you deserve to be treated and who rightfully deserves to be with you.

**At night, I lay alone, in the darkness, thinking, dreaming, and remembering everything so vividly**

As we sat there on my couch, and me, entangled in his arms, we listened to the beating of hearts, the release of breath, and the pur of the fridge. We, avoiding the obvious elephant in the room. What was to happen in a matter of weeks when an entire ocean would separate us? The time that we spent laughing, joking, smiling and spending time with one another; it was real, but was it void? I asked him a foolish question that night that I believe will haunt me for the rest of my life and changed the course of our relationship. After I took him "home" and dropped him off, I drove home realizing that I had changed the way we would speak together.

After all the nights I spent alone after he left, the nights I cried to myself and the numerous times I recounted my story to friends with listening ears, I realized some of the most important truths about love. If you are in love with someone, they should make you feel confident in yourself, who you are (in all of your awkwardness) what you look like, what you dress like, and they should respect your beliefs even if they may not completely agree. The should love every inch of you. All of the stitches and all of the tears. All of your perfections and all of the imperfections. It wasn't until I met him that I realized what "being in love" should feel like and how I deserve to be treated. It's amazing how one experience can change the way that you look at things and how they affect us.

If he reads this, he may think I'm utterly crazy, or he may completely agree with me.

To you:

        I just have to say one thing and it's really important that you just listen to me. I just... It doesn't feel like this, this thing is gonna go away, it's always there. I can't... I can't get rid of it, but I will go on with my life.

**Another chapter in my life has now come to an end**

"What" and "If" are two words as non-threatening as words can be. But put them together side-by-side and they have the power to haunt you for the rest of your life: What if? What if? What if?

 But if what you felt then was true love, then it's never too late. If it was true then, why wouldn't it be true now? You need only the courage to follow your heart. I don't know what a love like Juliet's feels like - love to leave loved ones for, love to cross oceans for but I'd like to believe if I ever were to feel it, that I will have the courage to seize it.

If you find it, please, seize it. Please.

I am Capable of More

Have you ever been asked the question "What quality do you like most about yourself?" For years, my response would be "My eyes", "my smile", or even "my personality". But I think after talking with my brother and thinking to myself, I believe that my answer has changed. I now want to be able to tell people that what I love about myself is my ability to "love unconditionally and connect with people" on a much deeper level than others can.

This week has been a long/hard struggle with balancing work, school, and my social life and I just needed to talk with my brother. He is my greatest confidant and I go to him whenever I am unsure of myself, need reassurance, advice, and just someone to listen to me. ( I don't know what I am going to do when he leaves on his mission ) Well, I called him last night asking his advice on a situation that I was caught up in and I felt insecure and unsure of what I thought or felt. He abruptly stopped my muttering and said to me "Linsey, you are capable of more than you can imagine. You love people for who they are and not what they have done. Not everyone can do that. You need to be there for people regardless of their situation." After I stopped and thought about it for a moment, I realized that he was correct. I do connect with people on a deeper level than most and I am able to relate to some of the things that we discuss. I've been bullied, made fun of, and at times felt that I am not worthy of anyone's love. I know what that feels like, and I can't imagine going all the way back to the hopeless feelings such as those. I also have an understanding that people are not perfect and I have no place to judge, that is our Heavenly Father's job, not ours. I may not know everything about every topic of church doctrine or even about life, but I have to rely on my faith and know that I what I am doing and how I am living is correct. Until I return with him someday, I have to rely on my unchanging faith. 

I shared something with my roommate the other night that I find is very fascinating about me and here it is... I honestly have no idea why I was supposed to go to Utah Valley University. I never had a desire to live in Utah County and I despised this place for the first few months that I lived here. For as long as I can remember, I always wanted to go to Utah State University just like my parents. However, my senior year, we were at UVU for the state wrestling tournament and as I was walking around campus during one of the breaks, I had and undeniable feeling come to me that would not go away for the remainder of the tournament. The feeling/thought was "This is where you are supposed to go to school. Begin your registration." Once I knew that the thought wasn't just random but was an answer to many prayers, I broke down and cried in the middle of the hallway. I never wanted to come to school here. I didn't want to move to Provo. I wanted to live in Logan just like my parents. 

However, after living here during my second year, I have a really good idea of why I am here. I have met so many wonderful and colorful people here that I would have never have had the opportunity of meeting back in Clinton. I have had experiences here that I couldn't have had anywhere else. Even after wanting to serve a mission and praying about it multiple times and receiving the answer "not yet", I know that right now, my "mission" is to touch the lives of people here in Orem that others may not be able to reach. Also, by helping these people, I am strengthening my testimony and learning to rely on my own faith. In the past year and a half of living on my own, I've learned so much about myself and that I can do hard things. I've loved and lost, I've dealt with hard roommates, I became less active and found my way back, I've provided for myself, and I've learned how to love myself again and have never felt so sure of who I am and whose I am. 

I know that I am a daughter of a royal birthright and that I am capable of many things. I know that certain people are placed in our lives for a season or for the remainder of our earthly life for a reason. I know that I have talents that I may not know I have and I know that the talents I do have can be strengthened. I know that in this earthly life, we were given trials to overcome and with the help of our Father in Heaven, we can do so! How great will be the day when we return to Him and in His loving embrace he says "Well done. I'm proud of you." I cannot wait for that day. This gospel is true and I know it!! Have a happy Sunday everyone!

'till next

-Linsey 

It's been some time

It's been a while since I last posted. This semester just got crazy and a little out of hand. I switched my major again since the last time I wrote, but this time I'm sure it will stay. I've decided to become a communications major with an emphasis in public relations. I love people and building friendships, so what better way to educate myself than to get a degree in something I love!! I'm also still working three jobs in order to pay for my living here away from home. One of them involves me being employed by UVU and planning programs for the complex I am currently at. I love it! And yes, I am still the athletic photographer. 

Last semester, I learned a lot. A lot about myself, the gospel, what I am capable of, what I need to work on, and I also learned how to love. 

About myself, what can I say? I've come a full 180 degrees. This time las year, I was a less active member in my ward and was ready to move home. I needed a friend to reach out to me and reassure me that everything was going to be alright. It wasn't until I decided that I needed to go to church again for me and not because someone invited me. It all started with me deciding to go to our ward prayer for the first time, by myself. I remember sitting among other members in the ward and just feeling the love they had for one another. As I sat by myself, a member of the bishopric came up to me and asked my name and if I was new to the ward. I was mortified that he didn't know who I was and that I had not been active enough for him to know that I had been in the ward for five months. That's when I realized that I wasn't the same person I was when I first moved away to college. I knew things had to change. I began going to every church event I could, both so I could meet people and also so I could feel the Spirit so I could take the peaceful feeling with me as I entered my chaotic and demeaning apartment atmosphere. I soon became the ward prayer chair person and never missed a ward prayer, even if I had visited home, I would go back just for the prayer. I then got called as a relief society instructor. That for me, is honestly one of the most enjoyed callings I have served in. I guess what I am trying to get at, is I've changed a lot spiritually. However, I was talking with a young man today about why Sunday is my favorite day. And I told him " I get to recharge and think about what I can do differently the coming week that I didn't do the previous week". He wanted me to tell him what exactly helps me recharge, and I had to think about it, I still do, so when I have a more elaborate answer, I'll let y'all know. 

This semester I also learned a lot about love and how to love somebody. Yes, I do mean in the lovey-dovey way, but I also mean loving someone as Christ does. Let me start with the latter. I've recently worked really hard to look past things about people that may bother me and to see them as they truly are and treating them as I would like to be treated. I found that as I did this, I was much happier and pleased with not only my social life and how I was able to relate with so many different people, but I was happier and more confident with myself. I felt that by loving others, I was able to better love myself. Now, for the lovey part. Growing up, my friends would make fun of me for being too "boy crazy", and trust me, I think a lot of guys were cute. But I never knew what it was like to love somebody until a guy came into my life. Sure I said I "loved" the kid I kissed on the cheek in the first grade, or I "loved" the cute guy in middle school, or that I "loved" the kid from my home ward who I thought I was someday going to marry, or that I even "loved" a friend I'm writing as he's on his mission. After my experience with this last guy, that's when I really learned how to love, even if it was for only a month or two. One thing I learned was that love will find you when you least expect it. Up until this guy asked me out on a date, I hadn't been on a date for two years. I was nervous, but as we met up at the cafe, lets be real, I was still nervous. We ordered our food and sat down to talk. I learned so much about him and his life back home in Europe. And then the next thing I knew, we had been there for three hours and it was starting to get dark out. I had another  date planned, and I called the other guy and asked for a rain check because I was having so much fun with the guy I was sitting across from. We went back to my apt and hung out until midnight looking up things on the Internet and on YouTube to show each other "weird" things about our countries. At the end of the night, he gave me a hug, no kiss, nothing. And I was astonished. Astonished because he was so respectful of me. In the days to come we would see each other again and watch both Pride and Prejudice and West Side Story together. He exemplifies qualities that I look for in a guy. Respectful, honest, trustworthy, looked past my flaws, and loved me in all of my awkwardness. Somehow, in the back of my mind, I knew that this wouldn't last, even if I thought we could make it work. One, he was leaving to go back to Europe after the end of the semester and two, he is not LDS and I didn't and still do not plan on marrying outside of the covenant. I know that while he was here he read the Book of Mormon and he was taking missionary discussions. I only hope that one day, he will find that the church is true and he will get to experience all the blessings that the gospel has brought into my life. I guess I understand the phrase "it's better to have loved and lost, than to never have loved at all". As hard as it was the first few weeks, I'm glad I had the experience because I now have a better idea of how I deserve to be treated and the kind of man that I do want in my life. 

Man, this has been quite possibly the longest blog entry I've ever written. I have more thoughts, but I don't believe y'all could read much longer, so ill try and keep y'all updated with all the new things I am experiencing and the new friends I continue to make. Now, to entertain you with some photos!! 

'Till next

-Linsey 

I've got a pretty rocking roommate :) cyd and I at the multi stake Halloween dance

I got to work with some amazing people 

I took a drawing class and survived with a B+

I learned how to FaceTime with my favorite people! 

I'm in love with my family/brothers and am so grateful I know that I can be with them for eternity. I grow to love and appreciate them more and more each day. 

Lets be real, I have the best roommates!!

I got into the REC program at UVU and am thrilled to begin a new adventure. 

And most importantly, I've grown to love myself, who I am, what I look like, my capabilities, and even my flaws. I've learned to love myself and am beginning to see me the way that others do and the way that my Heavenly Father sees me.